


A Promise Kept

by MinSeulgi



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas Angst, M/M, how the f do you tag, kihyuk is only referred to and implied, rating bc i'm a horrible person and swear words, wow that's actually a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8907673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinSeulgi/pseuds/MinSeulgi
Summary: “I love you. Always and forever.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this to the Titanic soundtrack (primarily the song Rose and onward), and was very heavily inspired and influenced by [Same Old Lang Syne](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwtkZ7oTv1o) by Dan Fogelberg, which is one of my favorite Christmas songs. I strongly recommend you listen to that song at least once before/after the reading of this story. It's beautiful and so, so sad.
> 
> Un-beta'd. Unedited. Might go through later, might not.

“I saw Minhyuk yesterday while picking up things for dinner.”

Kihyun leans back, fingers curled around the edge of the bench and keeping him from falling over backward. It’s dark outside, cold outside, but Hoseok’s company is worth the chill. Besides, this is what scarves and jackets are for, right?

“He looked good. Happy. It’s weird, right? After everything that we went through, all the shit I put him through, all the shit he put me through, you’d think there would have been a little more animosity, but...” But there hadn’t been. Not like Kihyun had expected. But maybe that’s what happens when two people who were once in love somehow grew apart.

 

_“Minhyuk?” Kihyun can’t believe his eyes. “Lee Minhyuk, is that really you?”_

_It’s been nearly three years since they parted ways, three years since Kihyun’s goal-driven pursuit of university and Minhyuk’s party hard lifestyle had finally taken them apart. They’d been good to each other once, good_ for _each other, and even Kihyun will acknowledge that. In the months after losing Minhyuk to the social lifestyle that Kihyun had so readily balked at before, he’d acknowledged that. He can certainly acknowledge it now after having come to know Shin Hoseok._

_The male in front of him turns around, and Kihyun is stunned to find that it really is Minhyuk. He looks like he did three years ago, exactly like he did, from the white fluff of his hair to the false blue of his eyes. Kihyun wonders if he’s still a partier._

_Kihyun wonders if Hyunwoo evened out Minhyuk’s temperament at all._

_Minhyuk is still gaping at him, lips parted and a pretty pink that Kihyun remembers swearing up and down was caused by lip tint. It never smeared away when Kihyun had kissed him, and eventually Kihyun had simply given up on figuring it out. He’d often kissed and bitten Minhyuk’s lips into a new shade anyway, so it’s not like the pink had perplexed him all too often, but--_

_“Hey, Ki. My eyes are up here.”_

_There’s laughter in Minhyuk’s voice, like he knows exactly what it is that Kihyun is thinking about. And maybe he does. Minhyuk had always been good at reading the mood of a room and playing guessing games. He’s always been good at reading Kihyun, too._

_“But your shirt is down there.”_

_Sassy to a fault, even now, Kihyun snaps the response before he even thinks about it. It’s one of the things that used to get him in trouble. He has a memory of the hurt in Minhyuk’s eyes the last time he let his sarcasm get the better of his intelligence. He’ll never forget the pain in Minhyuk’s eyes._

_But Minhyuk isn’t hurt now. He’s smiling, a bittersweet sort of expression that reminds Kihyun of lost time and coffee gone cold._

_“You’re still the same.”_

_Kihyun smiles, but he can tell from the way that it pulls at his lips in all the wrong places that it matches Minhyuk’s. He feels like an imposter. “So are you.”_

_Minhyuk laughs. Kihyun laughs. And then Minhyuk is stumbling over himself in an attempt to get closer. Kihyun meets him halfway, and the two collide and go down in the middle of the aisle. One of them makes a noise like a dying animal, and Kihyun is pretty sure it’s Minhyuk, because his elbow is digging into something soft that might be Minhyuk’s stomach, but then Minhyuk is laughing, and Kihyun is laughing because Minhyuk’s laughter has always been contagious, and for a moment Kihyun can pretend that he never let himself walk away from this._

 

“I’m not sure he recognized me at first,” Kihyun admits. “Like maybe he thought it was a dream. I know I thought something similar. I told you once how spending time with him before everything had a dreamlike quality to it, right?” Kihyun leans forward again, shaking his head with a sigh. “But it was real. He was real. It was all real.”

 

_“Where are you headed?”_

_In the middle of paying for his groceries, Kihyun glances to Minhyuk. Having already purchased whatever he came for, it’s a surprise to know that he hasn’t left yet. Kihyun doesn’t know whether that’s a good thing or not._

_Kihyun glances back to the total on the display and pulls out enough to cover the price before passing it over. The cashier takes it without a word and remains firmly out of their conversation. Kihyun’s grateful for that, at least. “I don’t really have a set schedule. Home eventually.”_

_Minhyuk nods, and Kihyun catches it out of the corner of his eyes. “Right, right. You’re still with Hoseok?”_

_Kihyun smiles, and he wonders why it hurts so much. “Yeah.”_

 

“We decided to get a drink.” Kihyun glances sideways, lips twisting wryly. “I know you don’t care when I go out drinking with people, but Minhyuk isn’t just any person, and you were the one that insisted we be totally honest with each other.” Kihyun smiles, shaking his head. “Regardless, nothing happened. We just wanted to drink a little, catch up. You wouldn’t believe it, Hoseok, the shit Minhyuk and Hyunwoo have gotten up to.”

 

_“You want to adopt?”_

_Kihyun doesn’t mean to sound so skeptical. Really, he doesn’t. Minhyuk has the sort of personality that makes the sun look dim in comparison, but the thought of Minhyuk with a child…_

_“Well, Hyunwoo does.”_

_That one phrase tells Kihyun everything he needs to know even as Minhyuk scrambles for something more to say. He leans back in the front seat of Minhyuk’s car, fingers curled around the can of beer he sips. It’s warm, but not disgustingly so. The liquor store they’d visited had been about to close, and they’d offered to take a six pack of warm beer so the employee didn’t have to stock more before leaving. Kihyun thinks they should have grabbed the cold ones anyway, because warm beer tastes like disappointment and sorrow._

_The only perk is that the beer is warmer than the outside, so his fingers aren't stiff and frozen with the cold. And the others are sitting just outside the door, stuffed in a plastic bag and stuck into a mound of snow. With how cold it is out there, they'll be cold in nothing flat._

_“I mean--”_

_Minhyuk’s finally found his words again, and Kihyun turns to fix the male with his attention, expression softening when he sees the desperation in Minhyuk’s face. “You’d be a great father, Min.”_

_The look that blossoms when Minhyuk glances to Kihyun is a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Really? You think so?”_

_“Yeah.” Kihyun tries to offer a smile. This one doesn’t feel quite as out of place as the others, and he thinks that maybe the beer is helping. He takes another drink for good measure, humming thoughtfully. “You were always good with kids. Our neighbors loved you, and their son adored you. They may have asked me to watch him, but only because they knew you would be there, too.”_

_Minhyuk’s quiet for a moment, and when Kihyun steals a furtive glance to his side, he can see the delicate blush that colors Minhyuk’s cheeks. Kihyun almost thinks it’s endearing._

_Almost._

_“What about you and Hoseok?”_

_Kihyun almost laughs. “Hoseok would be a great dad, but...”_

_Minhyuk seems to understand. “But he’s still a bit of a child himself?”_

_Kihyun smiles, taking another drink of his beer. “Yeah. And I don’t know. I just don’t think I’m cut out for it right now.”_

_“Why not?” Minhyuk is actually curious, the confusion on his face enough to make Kihyun’s stomach churn._

_“I don’t know.” It’s almost funny. He really doesn’t know. He’s been told time and time again that a child would help to bring meaning to his life, but Kihyun had never really bought into that. His mother had felt the same way until she had him, and he knows that, but still.  “I mean Hoseok’s enough of a child for me most of the time anyway. And I’m working on a new book right now--”_

_Minhyuk sits up in his seat, expression brightening. “That’s right! I saw your book in the store the other day. The crime one. It looked really good.”_

_It takes Kihyun a moment to figure out which crime story Minhyuk is talking about._

_“To The Youth?”_

_It’s only been maybe eighteen months since To The Youth was published, but it’s still caught in something of a media frenzy. Although his publicist knows better than to offer constant updates, not a day goes by that Kihyun doesn’t see a picture of the cover plastered somewhere, or reviews from some blog or book club site, or some other dumb thing. Newspapers still publish rave articles, and he became a New York Times Bestseller in a matter of days. It’s his seventh book, not even his most recent, and yet it's easily his most popular. Kihyun doesn't understand it. At all._

_There are better crime novels out there in the world, so why did his trash somehow make its way into the spotlight?_

_“Yeah, that one. Hyunwoo and I were thinking about buying a copy and reading it, but I never did pick up that whole sit-and-read-a-book thing, and Hyunwoo isn't really into crime novels.”_

_Kihyun takes a sip of his beer, staring out the front windshield. The sky is dark, but there are no stars. There are never stars in the city. He wonders why he even bothers looking sometimes._

_“What do you think? Is it worth the read?”_

_Kihyun casts Minhyuk a slow, sideways glance, then shakes his head. “I don't understand why the public chose that one in particular to drag into fame, but it's not my best. It's not even my favorite. I'm sure I should tell you to read it, to go out, buy a copy for yourself and then recommend it to all your friends, but honestly?” Honestly... “Love Again is my favorite.”_

_Minhyuk’s expression is blank with confusion. “Love Again?”_

_Kihyun glances out the window, fingers curling tighter around his beer. The aluminum folds a little beneath his grip, nearly giving way. Kihyun has to remind himself to breathe and to relax his muscles. It's hard._

_“My most recent book. Published it in late October.” On Halloween. The book had been released to the masses on Halloween, but unlike To The Youth, Love Again simply hadn't hit it off. Those that read it didn't understand his change from a blunt, no-nonsense criminal perspective to that of a young man hurting and wistfully in love._

_And every day that goes by without recognition, Kihyun is reminded that only his and Hoseok's friends and family know about their relationship._

_“What's it about?” Minhyuk looks interested, which is nice, but Kihyun doesn't know how to explain. How do you explain the concept of a novel that was only born because of a bad dream?_

_“It's about two people that fall in love and somehow survive despite the odds.”_

_Minhyuk’s expression falters, smile fading for a brief instant before returning. “It sounds good, Kihyun. I'll buy a copy and read it. If the author recommends it, it has to be good, right?”_

 

“He'll find out when he reads,” Kihyun says, voice wry as he tilts his head back and looks to the stars. But it's cloudy again. The weather forecast he'd seen earlier in the morning had claimed it might snow again tonight, but Kihyun has his doubts. “He'll figure it out. But it's okay. I don't mind him knowing, not really. I just hope he's not too much of a pest about it afterward.”

 

_“So what does Hyunwoo do exactly?”_

_Minhyuk’s expression falters in a way Kihyun thinks isn’t meant to be seen. He’s staring down at his beer can, his second of the six pack, and Kihyun wonders what could be so difficult about the question that Minhyuk might need to look to cheap alcohol for an answer._

_“He’s part of a law firm. He’s working his way up to partner status right now.”_

_Lawyer Hyunwoo. It’s funny, really. As a writer, Kihyun could almost call this irony, especially considering all the shit he and Minhyuk had gotten into back in their university days. Kihyun had never gone so far as to cheat or do anything to jeopardize his academic standing, but he had lied, and stolen, and he’d once done some drug or another with Minhyuk. And Minhyuk... Well. As much as he might look the part of an angel with his white-blond hair and blue circle lens eyes, he’s closer to devil status than that of an angel._

_“That’s not too bad,” Kihyun says instead, trying to offer an encouraging smile._

_Minhyuk is silent for a long moment. If Kihyun watches closely, he can see the lines etching themselves in Minhyuk’s brow and around his lips. There’s something there, something sad and heavy, something that the writer side of Kihyun is desperate to know while the ex-boyfriend-slash-best-friend side of Kihyun is terrified of knowing._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_“Can I tell you a secret, Kihyun?”_

_Somewhere inside of Kihyun, a small part of his heart breaks and something that had once burned so bright and beautiful dims and sputters before going out. Somehow, some way, Kihyun knows exactly what’s coming. “Of course, Min.”_

_It’s the voice he uses when talking to scared animals, the voice he uses when offering condolences when a fan has told him how one of his books helped them get through a rough patch in their life. It’s the voice Kihyun uses now when he knows Minhyuk is on the verge of breaking apart from the weight of his secret._

_“I don’t think I love him any more.”_

_When Minhyuk glances up, Kihyun can’t bring himself to look away. Their eyes lock. Minhyuk looks terrified, and Kihyun recalls now that he’s always been a bit of a lightweight. Kihyun, on the other hand, drinks a fifth of good whiskey when he finishes a new book, and he’d gotten much better at holding his alcohol while drinking away his writer’s block following To The Youth._

_In comparison, Kihyun is still sober. He’s too sober for this conversation. He’s too sober for the implications._

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Kihyun leans back in his seat, dragging a hand back through his hair. “You could tell him.”_

_Minhyuk sighs, twisting to look out his window. “I can’t do that to him, Kihyun. You know that. He took me in after everything between us went to hell. He built me back up into someone I thought I could learn to love and he taught me to own my mistakes. He loves me.”_

_“And you don’t love him. Are you really prepared to let yourself live a lie to make him happy?”_

_Minhyuk twists back around, and Kihyun’s stunned to see there’s tears on his cheeks. He shouldn’t be surprised. Minhyuk’s always been emotional, so much more emotional that Kihyun had ever been, but somehow... Somehow it throws Kihyun for a cruel and terrible loop. “It would kill him, Kihyun! Would you tell Hoseok you don’t love him any more if you knew it would break him to hear it?”_

 

“That was a low blow.”

Kihyun sighs, raking his hands back through his hair now. He’s leaning forward now, elbows braced on his knees and legs jostling with the cold. He wishes he would have worn an extra pair of socks and maybe another scarf or something, because the cold is beginning to seep into his coat despite all his precautions. “Yeah. Yeah, it was a low blow. I mean. I understand where he’s coming from. If I didn’t love you any more, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I broke your heart by telling you. But I wouldn’t want to lie to you either if I thought maybe you’d be happier with someone else.”

Kihyun sighs, shaking his head. White clouds from the heat of his breath curl upward toward the sky. The writer in him thinks it’s beautiful. The cynic that goes hand in hand with the writer really wishes he would have brought a face mask or something, because he’s going to wake up in the morning with a cough that has him trying to hack up a lung.

“But you’d never do that to me. I’d never do that to you. We promised each other. Forever. Always.”

 

_Between the two of them, they finish the six pack. Minhyuk never finishes his third beer, but Kihyun drinks the rest of it before crushing the can and dropping it into the paper sat between his feet. When he leaves, he’ll take it with him and dump the entire thing in the trash. He should try to recycle it, be a good human and save the environment, but Kihyun’s buzzed enough to not really give a fuck, and he’s not sure if the buzz is from the alcohol or the bomb Minhyuk had dropped on him earlier._

_“Can I drive you somewhere?”_

_“What?”_

_Minhyuk gestures out the window. “It’s about to rain, Ki.”_

_Ki. Not Kihyun. Ki._

_It’s familiar, and it warms Kihyun’s insides._

_And his stomach churns in revolt._

_“No thanks.”_

_Minhyuk looks hurt, and Kihyun hates himself for wanting to apologize. He shouldn't feel like this. He and Minhyuk were good together once, but they're still in radically different places, worlds apart despite sitting next to each other in Minhyuk’s car. And being good once upon a time doesn't mean they'll be good now._

_“I live close by,” Kihyun says by way of explanation. “And we both bought groceries. I don’t want yours to go bad while trying to get me home.”_

_Minhyuk’s expression pinches in a manner than is ugly and upsetting, and Kihyun knows he’s said the wrong thing, but he thinks Minhyuk will understand. Should they ever meet again, should Minhyuk have actually read Love Again, he’ll understand completely._

_There’s something belligerent in Minhyuk’s expression, something that finds a hold in Kihyun’s stomach and wrenches his guts around until he feels sick. It takes everything Kihyun has to keep his mouth shut, to keep himself from reminding Minhyuk that while he might not love Hyunwoo any more, Kihyun still loves Hoseok -- will always love Hoseok -- and what they once had is now in the past. Kihyun is happy with Hoseok. He’s happy with his fiancé and their promise of forever._

_Finally, at long last, Minhyuk relents._

_“Yeah,” he says,  “alright.”_

_Kihyun waits for a moment, making sure there’s nothing else that Minhyuk needs or wants to say, then opens the door. The cold comes pouring in, stealing the warmth that the two of them had managed to generate and leaving Kihyun’s skin prickling with the cold._

_Without another word, Kihyun opens the door to the backseat, collecting his bags of groceries. He takes care to only take his own, not wanting there to be a reason for Minhyuk to come back in search of him or dredge up old mutual friends in order to find his current number. Kihyun closes the door and heads back to the front to say his goodbyes._

_Minhyuk smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and there’s a bittersweet twist to it that reminds Kihyun of when they’ve first met again just hours ago. “Goodbye, Kihyun.”_

_Kihyun smiles back, mirroring exactly what he sees. “Bye, Minhyuk.”_

_Minhyuk waits until Kihyun has closed the door before driving off. Kihyun watches him go in silence._

_He never once slows down or looks back._

 

Kihyun leans back with a sigh. His breath fogs the space before him, drifting lazily toward the sky before dissipating into the air. He’s quiet for a moment, lips pressing into a thin line as he thinks back on the day before, on the beers and what Minhyuk shared and everything he had come to learn about his ex.

He wonders where Minhyuk is now, whether he's pretending with Hyunwoo or whether he's out partying with the crowd that helped him find Hyunwoo in the first place when he and Kihyun had been fighting. He wonders where Hyunwoo is, too, whether he's with Minhyuk enjoying the holiday or whether he's home alone, wondering where his boyfriend is and whether it's true that sometimes the past is destined to repeat itself.

Mostly… Mostly Kihyun wonders where the time went as he checks his watch. It's getting late, and while it's not like he's never been one to allow himself to be regulated by visiting hours, he is getting cold, and Hoseok would be the first to tell him to take care of himself. Hoseok had always been like that, though, thoughtful and considerate. He had loved Kihyun selflessly and without pause, and Kihyun had fallen right into it despite the jagged edges left by Minhyuk’s betrayal.

“I love you, Hoseok,” Kihyun says as he stands and adjusts his jacket. “I hope you're warm. But in case you're not, I brought you something...” He unwraps his scarf, the fabric warm against his fingers, and he clutches the item to his chest for a moment, as if trying to infuse it with all the love and care he possibly can, before stepping forward and draping it around the headstone.

He thinks, vague and a little detached, that he can almost hear Hoseok’s laughter on the breeze that drifts through the rows around him.

“Brought you flowers, too. Your favorite.”

Two years ago, Hoseok had proposed with white roses. It had been the flower he'd given Kihyun on their first date, the flower that had followed them through all the hallmark moments of their relationship.

Kihyun thinks it's only fitting to offer a bouquet of white roses today of all days -- the anniversary of their engagement, and the day Hoseok was stolen from his life forever.

“I love you,” he says again, the words catching in his throat and on his tongue. The moments like this one are always hard, even for a writer whose claim to fame is built upon words. “You're the best thing that could have happened to me. You're the best thing I could have asked for, and I love you more than life itself.”

Kihyun swallows hard as he backs away from his offering, pressing his hands down deep into the pockets of his coat to hide the way they shake. “Merry Christmas, Hoseok.” Kihyun turns and heads back to the path that will lead his to the main gates. He doesn't look back, but it doesn't stop him from seeing the scarf-wreathed headstone every time he closes his eyes.

“I love you. Always and forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still on the fence about tagging the character death. Technically no one died. They're just already dead. But yeah. Coughs. Uh. Yeah.
> 
> This took about four days to write, give or take. I was working a lot, but it came easily around that. And then it took about two more days for me to decide to actually post it. I was somewhat embarrassed about it for some reason. Embarrassed, insecure. Wasn't sure how I felt about this being the first thing I wrote and posted after finishing Following The Stars, but I eventually decided that I had to start somewhere.
> 
> Kudos to those that spot the two easter eggs.


End file.
